What in the Wattpad Misery fanfiction did I just read?????? I’m assuming this selection was a “Bookstagram Made Me Do It” because I have no recollectiWhat in the Wattpad Misery fanfiction did I just read?????? I’m assuming this selection was a “Bookstagram Made Me Do It” because I have no recollection of why this got put on my TBR, but when my turn at the library came up and I saw the low page count I figured what the hay. I also noticed my few Goodreads’ friends who read this all 5-Starred it, so once again I am a horrible wrongreader who will roast in the fiery pits of some literary hell once I pass on.
The premise here is a drunken female author narrator (so original!) who gets contacted by a movie producer wanting to potentially turn one of her books into a feature film. Apparently Harvey Weinstein doesn’t exist in this chick’s world because she agrees to a meeting at his house . . . where he proceeds to Dollar Store version Annie Wilkes the crap out of her.
Note to youngsters who might not be old enough to understand the reference, but if you ever meet someone for the first time and think to yourself . . .
“If Ben Linus from Lost had a twin, this would be him.”
Before I talk about how much I disliked this book, let me start with saying I freaking loooooooooved The Husbands, so still give Chandler Baker some oBefore I talk about how much I disliked this book, let me start with saying I freaking loooooooooved The Husbands, so still give Chandler Baker some of your money. And if you are looking for a book about bloodsucking children for the spooky season, I highly encourage you all to check out The Lesser Dead.
To say Cutting Teeth was one of my most anticipated Fall reads would be an understatement. As I said above, I was looking forward to whatever Baker was going to come up with next after her revamp of a Stepford Wives story and when I saw this was about some bloodthirsty four year olds at the local preschool I was all in. That’s before I knew it was actually going to be A LOT of “mommy” talk about how haaarrrrrrrrrd it is to be a mom and judging of the “right” type of parenting and quite a bit of man bashing thrown in to boot and there is maybe nothing as mind numbing as people who only talk about their children nonstop . . .
No, ma’am. It is 100% NOT okay to simply regurgitate the younger ginger Murdaugh son’s sordid history into your page count when everyone in the G.D. universe was tuned in to that trainwreck for the past couple of years. Talk about lazy. This is only getting 2 Stars for the ending. ...more
Allow me a moment to age myself. When I was a kid, not only did I Walk Like an Egyptian and warble my tiny emo lungs out to “Close your eyes, give me Allow me a moment to age myself. When I was a kid, not only did I Walk Like an Egyptian and warble my tiny emo lungs out to “Close your eyes, give me your hand – can you feel my heart beating????” but I also WORE. THE. SHIT. OUT. Of the VHS tape of the instant classic (LOL) The Allnighter starring none other than . . . .
When I saw she was releasing a novel I was all over it . . . and I was lucky enough to score an early copy. And I give massive props to a 63 year old achieving her dream of getting a book published. But the story just was not great.
Jane is a 33-year old, one-hit-wonder (on a cover song, not even an original) who has somehow managed to never have to get a real job in the decade since her 15 minutes of fame were over. Instead she does things like corporate parties or, as is the jumping off point here, a bachelor party in Vegas. Recently broken up from her famous boyfriend (and watching his life with his new love unfold via social media), Jane’s BFF/manager Pippa offers up her guest room and a getaway to London. On the flight, Jane meets Tom – who then ghosts her for two weeks before making contact, they go out on one date and then they are in instalove and she moves in with him . . . .
Yeah, this was not it. Not only is instalove not my jam, but Jane having no sense of responsibility at over 30 and being a shit friend who immediately ditched her ride or die for some D made it even worse. Not to mention the entire storyline about “Jonesy” which hinted at a real #metoo experience (which could have explained some of Jane’s behaviors) only to amount to nothing and the bizarre Jane Eyre shoutouts made this one a real slog.
ARC provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review. ...more
The premise here is a simple one: Liz accidentally sees a text on her husband Arno’s phone and spirals out of control for the entire book. That’s it. The premise here is a simple one: Liz accidentally sees a text on her husband Arno’s phone and spirals out of control for the entire book. That’s it. As the quote below states . . . .
“Nothing crazy, just a text thanking Arno for all his help on some major project and then a stupid kissy-face emoji. From someone named ‘Viv’ who I’ve never met before.” Tracy’s eyebrows lift even higher. “What else?” “Huh?” “I mean, what else?” “That’s it. Nothing else. The text is what made me feel suspicious.” “That’s it?” “Er, yeah.” “No suspicious phone calls late at night? Maybe from an unfamiliar name that sounds fake, or just an initial, like ‘F’?” “No.” “No weird receipts for lingerie that he never gives you, or designer chocolates?” “Nope.” “No unexplained work trips to Miami that get extended because of ‘bad weather’?” “No.” “No burner phones?”
Of course she never bothered asking and OF COURSE he’s probably cheating and OF COURSE Liz has not only a generalized anxiety disorder but is also a pretty solid drunk once the baby goes to bed. But the biggest problem? This could have been some poolside fun in the sun if it had been approached as a dark comedy. Around the 40% mark Liz goes in for a total makeover and I’m telling you I laughed out loud. And then I realized . . . .
A police transcriber working on a case regarding a potential kid killing drug dealing serial killer known as the Candy Man????? What could
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A police transcriber working on a case regarding a potential kid killing drug dealing serial killer known as the Candy Man????? What could possibly go wrong? Well, I’ll tell you – a stooooooopid freaking “romance” (affair) that had absolutely zero reason for even being included in the plot, let alone being the majority of the focus of its pages.
Nope.
ARC provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review. ...more
I picked this up despite the dreaded face cover when I kept seeing people all over Instagram giving it high ratings and saying “Hank Philli
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I picked this up despite the dreaded face cover when I kept seeing people all over Instagram giving it high ratings and saying “Hank Phillipi Ryan does it again!!!” To which I now say does what again? Writes one of the stupidest things I’ll read this year and bores the crap out of me in the process? Way to go!
The premise here is Alyssa meets Bree at a local hotel bar. After one drink Alyssa offers up her guest house to this complete stranger so already it’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever laid eyes on. Then nothing happens for about eleventy-seven pages aside from Bree making it with another complete stranger who also ends up over at the house all the time. Then the big secret is revealed and Alyssa gets a happy ending . . . . even though if it were real life she would end up destitute because the Feds would have seized all of her assets. The end. I award you zero points and someone smack me if I ever pick up another book by this author again. ...more
This book is the prime example of why I try not to be a blurb reader. The comparison to The Devil Wears Prada had me adding my name to the library waiThis book is the prime example of why I try not to be a blurb reader. The comparison to The Devil Wears Prada had me adding my name to the library waiting list immediately. Then I read it and the only thing to say is . . . .
I was terrified I was going to be called out as some “unwoke” “Karen” “Boomer” sort of killjoy, but luckily the barely over 3.00 Goodreads’ rating confirms I was most likely not the wrongreader this time.
Talk about the most cringey cringefest that ever cringed. This was truly awful.
First, you have the characters. Not one was likeable or had any redeeming qualities. Dollar Store Andi bitched about having to reconcile receipts for expense reimbursements when her G.D. job was an assistant. Her sister bitched about being blacklisted in the event planning world after being caught fucking a client’s husband in the bathroom – but it was his fault since she didn’t know he was married. Bitch, please. You banged a dude while on the job and you think it’s unfair people wouldn’t want to hire you???
Second, speaking of jobs. Noora (Dollar Store Andi), as mentioned above, is hired as an assistant to Dollar Store Meredith, but wants to be a writer. Loretta (Dollar Store Meredith) tells her she’s allowed to keep writing her personal blog, but not allowed to write for other publications. That makes total sense to me, but there are things called Noncompete Agreements and our little dumbass would have to sign one in order for anything Loretta said to be enforceable. Also, Noncompetes generally don’t count when it is THE COMPANY YOU ALREADY WORK AT. Has this author ever had a job? Or talked to anyone who had one?
Third, more about Loretta and every other character who were so insultingly tone deaf. This book takes place in the present. I’m fairly certain everyone (but especially those in the fashion industry) are well aware that wearing kimono to work or putting chopsticks in your hair is not okay. Nor is saying it’s okay that you are gentrifying Chinatown because you’re poor so it doesn’t count. JFC.
Fourth, have sex with whoever you want, but dude straight up is a walking billboard for he’s just not that in to you – then he Drillbit Taylors you for like 2.4 nanoseconds (of course, at work because these heifers are trifling), isn’t aware that’s bad, doesn’t know how to get you off, but you conveniently know there’s a fucking vibrator in the beauty closet (ewww), you have to teach him how it works, then he STILL says he don’t really like you but the next time you see him your vagina starts “pulsating.” Sorry, have to go barf now.
And finally, for someone supposedly born and bred in NYC, her references are straight up tourist shit. Every mention of a restaurant or location was something out of a guidebook. Actual New Yorkers will tell you they would never go to these places.
I really try to not give out 1 Stars, but not only would I not recommend this to someone, I would actively discourage anyone from reading it. It’s a total waste of time and completely vapid. Trolls – I will delete and block you. Don’t even think about telling me I’m not allowed to have my opinion on this pile of garbage. ...more
Any time I hear of a book about a bunch of kids planning some epic sort of vacay where a wrong turn is taken I (a) immediately want it and
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Any time I hear of a book about a bunch of kids planning some epic sort of vacay where a wrong turn is taken I (a) immediately want it and (b) immediately go to the most obvious place in my brain regarding what the story is going to be about . . . .
It only took about 20 pages to find out this group of road trippers probably weren't going to be dealing with inbred cannibals, however. So six kids are on a trip down to Gulf Shores to partaaaaaay for Spring Break when they find themselves not only broke down in the backwoods of North Carolina, but with a sniper taking aim. The request is simple – give up the secret and only one person will be hurt.
The biggest problem I had with this one is there was about 250 pages worth of story delivered in nearly 400. Talk about a slog. Once the action picked up at about the halfway point things got spicey, but oh my word there was so much hinting around regarding what was pretty flipping obvious right from the jump. And the writing? It’s what my pal GirlWithThePinkSkiMask would call closed captioned ass . . . .
I mean we are talking EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL. regarding what was packed in suitcases or the contents of drawers or the parts of a walkie-talkie. #snore The good news is once these chillins started spilling their secrets, the orange was pretty juicy and I did not see all the twists and revelations that were to come. This wasn’t nearly as good as A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder (at least the first one, you know your girl don’t make a habit of reading past #1 in a series), but if you like the stabby YA it might work for you.
I don’t know how I came to request this from the library, but I’m not happy with whatever version of Kelly it was that cost me the hours I’ll never geI don’t know how I came to request this from the library, but I’m not happy with whatever version of Kelly it was that cost me the hours I’ll never get back from reading it.
Things started with what seemed to be a revenge tale where the leading lady is plotting something against the boy who took advantage of her back in high school …. but all she does is gives him blue balls.
Her husband is a control freak and turning abusive so she’s going to kill him … with the help of her new tenant renting the carriage house … who just happens to be the boy from high school.
Oof. I’ll give the author credit for being ballsy enough to take on the house swap trope a la The Holiday, but she had to know how much taking on a hoOof. I’ll give the author credit for being ballsy enough to take on the house swap trope a la The Holiday, but she had to know how much taking on a holiday favorite would open her up for criticism. Here’s a brief list of things I hated:
1. Zero plot aside from the borrowed trope.
2. Well there were pitiful attempts like a mother with Alzheimer’s and a son who was more than willing to ignore her with one of the couples and a controlling family with a controlling girlfriend whose warning signs the female lead was more than willing to ignore with the other couple.
3. Carys. *vomit emojis forever*
4. Kitchen sink Covid hobbies like bullet journaling and “plant mom life” (*shudder*) that added nothing to the nonexistent story.
5. Instabanging but no chemistry.
6. Speaking of - waaaaay too graphic sex for unsuspecting victims who simply fall for all cartoony cover holiday books.
7. A Jewish character just for the sake of trying to be inclusive? I mean they threw a one day “Chanukah” booze party but included zero religious or food or gift traditions??? Don’t even bother with that half-assery.
8. Two weeks and these idjits are upending their entire lives for each other? Especially when they both seem to be pretty co-dependent to begin with and are trying to break the habit.
Sort of a waste of a really cute premise. Whatever her name was gets plowed over by the Christmas bus and gets a chance for a re-do if she
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Sort of a waste of a really cute premise. Whatever her name was gets plowed over by the Christmas bus and gets a chance for a re-do if she can match up half a dozen couples before her expiration date rolls around again. Unfortunately it’s halfway through the story before the matchmaking even begins and very little effort is spent by the lead even making said sparks fly. They are either the one who got away, a current crush or happy accidents that happen almost instantly and the details are left completely off page. I wanted to get to know the couples and was prepared for some slapstick sort of delivery while whatshername attempted to play Cupid. Instead we spent a whole lot of time pining over her real douchecanoe of a boyfriend she’s trying to keep from dumping her (while an obvious rebound guy is waiting in the wings) and hear all about how “quirky” she was with her mismatched wardrobe and unfortunate haircut. Bah humbug.
ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you, NetGalley!...more
I recently read The Writing Retreat by this author’s sister and commented that, although I did not enjoy that selection, I had liked We Were Never HerI recently read The Writing Retreat by this author’s sister and commented that, although I did not enjoy that selection, I had liked We Were Never Here by Andrea Bartz. When I saw this early copy on NetGalley I didn’t hesitate to request it. I mean, look at the cover alone . . . .
The premise here is that Kelly (hey, girl, hey!) has been told by her fiancé that he would like to “pump the breaks” on their upcoming nuptials . . . . and it’s not because they’re in the middle of the pandemic. Kelly shares her story with Sabrina - a former high school friend turned influencer/bestselling romance novelist she has reconnected with over social media – and Sabrina offers Kelly a spare room with she and her husband Nathan in their Virginia mansion. And then they become a throuple????
Yeah. I’m pretty clear that romance in general tends to hinder my enjoyment when it comes to stabby good times, but this was some serious Lifetime Movie of the Week stuff. I’ll go with 2 Stars because it is coming up on pool season so I could see people losing themselves in this bit of nonsense.
ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. ...more
Synopsis: Mallory gets hired as a nanny for darling Damian Teddy, but his doodles go from cute to disturbing in 3.BEWARE THERE’S A REAL SPOILER BELOW.
Synopsis: Mallory gets hired as a nanny for darling Damian Teddy, but his doodles go from cute to disturbing in 3.2 nanoseconds.
Y’all bullshittin’ me with this rating right???? Right? I mean it’s Halloween time and I’m A-okay with just tryin’ to get my get my get my get my creep on, but this one . . . .
I mean right from the jump that these apparently overprotective parents would be looking at the closest halfway house for a new nanny was laughable, but then when the big reveal comes WHY IN THE HELL WOULD THEY EVEN HIRE A NANNY AT ALL?!?!?!?! Like that secret wouldn’t come out with an oversharing five year old.
I’m wasting zero of my time on this. The cover was great, the pictures were great, I can suspend my disbelief with the best of 'em when it comes to horror and whodunnits, and I am one who reads A LOT of disturbing content so I truly appreciate when authors push the envelope, but nope. You ain’t using gender as the big twist. That’s not a trope – that’s offensive. ...more
I’m still about 842 reviews behind (and they keep adding up) so let’s keep this short and sweet. I dig Grady Hendrix and will most definite
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I’m still about 842 reviews behind (and they keep adding up) so let’s keep this short and sweet. I dig Grady Hendrix and will most definitely read whatever he comes up with next so I’m not super interested in bashing this latest release. What you have here is basically a twisted take on The Velveteen Rabbit. After reading and loving every damn bit of The Southern Book Club’s Guide to Vampire Slaying I knew to perhaps expect the unexpected and the possibility of maybe more than meets the eye when it came to the title here, but I mean it’s OCTOBER. I sorta just wanted a haunted house story. This featured a lot of family drama, unlikeable characters and a dead momma who had been real into making dolls - particularly puppets - when she was still alive and kicking . . . .
If you know me you know I don’t generally read past the first book in a series. This summer has been a bit of an exception to that own personal rule oIf you know me you know I don’t generally read past the first book in a series. This summer has been a bit of an exception to that own personal rule of mine and I really could not wait to get my hands on a copy of Husband Material. Fans of the Happily Ever After versus the Happily for Now will most assuredly be the ones who enjoy this more than I did. Unfortunately for me, the various antics and escapades involving over-the-top scenarios of a venue falling through, a groom being suspected of cheating, a dress being left behind, etc. as our leading duo navigate their way through their friends’ nuptials were all a little (*cough lot cough*) exhausting for me. Luc and Oliver lost more than a bit of their initial charm this go ‘round as well and were often downright unlikeable (at minimum, the two needed to break up and seek some serious therapy and medication before attempting an adult relationship ever again). All that being said, the homage to one of my favorite romance films of all time . . . .
Was truly a delightful surprise and I will definitely be first in line once again as the series continues in the way I enjoy most – with a focus on a new character as the lead in future books. (I mean amnesia trope? Yes please. Twice.)
For the most part, when it comes to Alexis Hall . . . .
When it comes to pop culture, I have determined there are two types of people – those who love the movie Almost Famous and me. In this new release reaWhen it comes to pop culture, I have determined there are two types of people – those who love the movie Almost Famous and me. In this new release readers are told right from the jump that Josie will be covered in blood in nine months’ time. You just have to read three-quarters of the book to find out why (but it’s not really a shocker). I’m eleven trillion reviews behind so I’m not going to waste a lot of time bashing this one. Different strokes for different folks. I’m sure many will love this, but I couldn’t stand Faun and unlike Almost Famous these gals were most definitely not there for the music, they truly were groupies . . . .
I was expecting to dislike the “bridezilla” in this one, but oh my lord the other leading female was just as insufferable. These weddings g
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I was expecting to dislike the “bridezilla” in this one, but oh my lord the other leading female was just as insufferable. These weddings gone wrong stories seem to be one of this summer’s most popular themes (I currently have two that I can think of all downloaded and ready to go - One of the Girls and You’re Invited for those interested) so it goes without saying there will be some duds in the mix. The same goes for all plots that gain traction simultaneously – another popular one this summer appears to be returning to the family summer home where drama rather than romance ensues – “final girls” were recently all the rage – as was one author stealing another’s story and releasing it as their own. Your mileage will vary when it comes to which of the on trend novels works for you. This one obviously did not for me and we’ll see how the others pan out. ...more
The afternoon I walked to the gas station, I received the mission of my life, the plan, and it was channeled through the television show Three’s CoThe afternoon I walked to the gas station, I received the mission of my life, the plan, and it was channeled through the television show Three’s Company.
Bonnie finds herself the sole survivor of an armed robbery at the local mom and pop market where she works. Raped and battered, Bonnie was witness to nearly her entire “adopted” family being gunned down. Unable to deal with her trauma, Bonnie self isolates and immerses herself in her idea of utopia – that which belongs to the residents of Apartment 205 – Jack, Janet and Chrissy. When Bonnie ends up being the lone winner of the biggest jackpot in lottery history she decides to make this dream a reality and builds not only . . . .
But also the Ropers’/Mr. Furley’s apartments as well as that of ladies’ man Larry Dallas, along with a mini city of sorts containing all of the known landmarks where her best pals go – The Regal Begal, Jack’s technical college culinary class, the flower shop where Janet works, etc. It is Bonnie’s plan to truly go off the grid and live in a revolving state as each of these characters in perpetuity. But how long can you really hide from reality?
This was totally a “you had me at Three’s Company” instant request and thanks to my wonderful library they bought a copy right away. If I were to award points solely on originality One’s Company would get about a trillion. And the parts about the building of petite Santa Monica and all of the details provided regarding the décor of each apartment really had me on the wayback machine to a show that remains a favorite to this day (dear young people, do not come shit on my sundae and tell me the problems with this masterpiece – it was a different time). Unfortunately, I really disliked pretty much everything about Bonnie aside from our shared love of re-runs and could not wait to not be in her head any longer, so this one ends up being 3 Stars : (...more
I wrongread the crap out of this one. I totally get why this has been such a hit for others. I mean, the world is shit and fiction is a gre
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I wrongread the crap out of this one. I totally get why this has been such a hit for others. I mean, the world is shit and fiction is a great place to turn when you need something hopeful. I’ve fallen victim to the right time/right place heartstring-tugger a time or twelve myself. (See A Man Called Ove, The House in the Cerulean Sea, The Guncle, etc.) And like everyone else, I loved Marcellus and heard the “Sad Cat Diary” narrator each time he voiced a chapter that really brought a smile to my face . . . .
But oh my god how did y’all tolerate Cameron? Freaking spoiled manbaby! So sorry your momma was a deadbeat and ditched you as a kid, but it’s not like you got dumped into the foster care system to rot. No, you were left with an aunt who not only loved you but coddled your ass into your dang 30s. Grow up, butthole! I broke my normal routine and poked around a few reviews since everyone but me loved this and I’ve noticed most don’t even mention him at all – despite him being a main character in the story. Maybe you all were simply able to ignore him???? I love a loveable loser, but this dude was a user and no redemption arc could make me like him.
As I said below in a comment to my pal debra I’m going to go ahead and blame my wrongreading on the fact that I am addicted to Every Single Housewives of Every City Ever. (And do you know Dubai is next???? Motherfucking DUBAI!!!!!!! The opulence better be dripping off of those bitches.)
If you aren’t addicted to all of the Househoes, maybe this will work better for you. For me? The “drama” was severely lacking (I mean not one table was to be flipped!) with an overdone trope of someone is dead, but you don’t know who that dragged on and on as a nonstop trip through Dullsville until the final 20 or so pages. I kept thinking the entire time I was reading that I would definitely be recommending Big Little Lies and telling my pals to take a pass here if they had not yet read that one.
But rather than bashing a book that didn’t work for me, let me give you a little refresher course on the type of asshole I am and why I found this one lacking. The other night the Hoebags of Beverly Hills premiered and I. WAS. THERE. FOR. IT. Since I only watch the show and don’t follow any of the ladies in the off season I was completely blindsided that the main topic was going to be Dorit Kemsley’s house getting burglarized. I then went to Reddit to find my tribe and discuss the fact that the entire set up was stinkier than rotten fish. I mean:
1. Kyle already cornered the market on all of her Birkins and mother’s jewelry being stolen a couple of years ago.
2. Who the fuck has an alarm system for a multimillion house that doesn’t have some sort of “rest” feature that allows the people who actually live there to walk around inside without tripping the system at night????
3. It was common knowledge Dorit was on the chopping block and was most likely not going to be invited back to “hold a diamond” and neeeeeeded some sort of storyline to keep her relevant.
4. These crooks show up with nary a dufflebag to carry their wares and have to take a comforter to lug it all down the street.
5. Who then leave her phone at the exit gate (with a flashing light serving as a beacon) so she can call 911?????
6. And finally, the Kemsleys are effing grifters. Dorit's entire tenure has been muddied with lawsuits, bankruptcies and an unfathomable amount of debt to a poor like me (seriously $2MM to the Bellagio???? not to mention the million plus to the IRS). What a lucky break to be able to claim all of these missing valuables with the insurance back at the end of October and pay off some of that money!
Save your “you’re disgusting” or “OMG way to blame a victim!” comments. I know I’m a piece of shit, but I still have a whiff of residual stank in my nostrils from this start to the new season so this book simply paled in comparison to what I’m used to watching on a weekly basis. And I haven’t even watched Atlanta’s debut yet!
Kelly (and the Book Boar)
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