Okay, the year is quickly ending, I find myself 11,000 reviews behind and a bunch of thosFind all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/
Okay, the year is quickly ending, I find myself 11,000 reviews behind and a bunch of those aren’t really even worth me wasting my time on (like this one we can just label as Exhibit A) so I’m going to puke out a couple of sentences real quick and call it done. Brooklynaire was obviously released as an antithesis to all things Christian Grey . . . .
Not that I was a big fan of the Red Room of Pain, but at least something was going on.
You see, professional hockey team owner Nate is a billionaire with heart. He has loved his office manager Becca from afar for years and years (and apparently has chosen to show it by making her the office manager of a billion-dollar empire, but paying her so little that she lives in a shitty neighborhood in an apartment she winds up having to share with her sister, her sister’s baby and the baby daddy). When Becca suffers a concussion, Nate jumps at the opportunity to be her knight in shining armor – promptly moving her into his palace and opening up about his feelings in fairly short order. The two commence the banging, there’s a teensie little bit of very contrived drama thrown in and they get their happily ever after.
Everyone else but me loved this, so obviously I’m once again a wrongreader, but I found these characters, the sex, the (non-existent) plot and everything else about this to be sooooooooooooooooooooo . . . .
This was my first read by this author, but I actually have a couple of her other books on the Kindle. I need to get around to them to see if this was truly just me sucking a turtle or not. ...more
And no I’m not being passive aggressive. Y’all should know by now that I’m pretty aggressive aggressive.
As with all romance books, this one has a pretty recognizable plot . . . .
♪♫♫♪She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing Queens, ´Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes.
What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny... So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield´s door.
She was there to sell make-up, but father saw more. She had style! She had flair! She was there! That´s how she became the Nanny!
Who would have guessed that the girl we´ve described, was just exactly what the doctor prescribed?
Now the father finds her beguiling (watch out C.C.!) And the kids are actually smiling (such joie de vivre!) She is the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan...
The flashy girl from Flushing, The Nanny named Fran! ♪♫♫♪
It’s obviously not a story that’s going to change your life. Buuuuuuut, if you find yourself with a few hours to kill, a jug of margaritas, a pool for dipping your toes in this godawful 100+ degree weather and like your porn with little to no angst and a high-speed timeline when it comes to falling in luuuuuuuurv, this might be a winner for you. It definitely delivers when it comes to the . . . . .
Here's another overdue book review for your viewing displeasure. I just realized I read tFind all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/
Here's another overdue book review for your viewing displeasure. I just realized I read this on Valentine's Day. Ha! No wonder my husband didn't get any play!!!
I wanted to read Gods and Monstersimmediately. First, dat cover . . . .
Dude and dudette did run away together à la Romes and Jules, but things went off the rails completely when they decided revenge on the Montagues and Capulets . . . I mean their parents should come in the form of engaging in copious amounts of sex without protection despite being broke as a joke and completely incapable of taking care of themselves, yet alone a tiny human, and when that wasn’t enough starring in a porno together. In the immortal words of Sir Charles Barkley, there’s only one thing to say about this book. It’s . . . . .
I actually highlighted a bunch of stuff and made a bevy of notes about what a horrible experience I was having, but I think this one sums everything up . . . .
“Good lord, this thing is like a 14-year old’s wet dream.”
Oh, and all the sex????? Too bad it made me picture this . . . .
Blergh. I hope they called one of those crime scene types of cleaning crews in to remove all the snail trails from their roommate’s apartment for him!
Thanks again to my Book Fairy for gifting me this one. Sorry I hated it!
ORIGINAL "REVIEW:"
This book has been showing up all over my feed for the past couple of weeks (even though only one friend has read it). NA is most definitely not usually a hit for me, but I knew I would eventually have to give in on this one if for no other reason than to get THIS from playing on a loop in my head . . . .
This morning I woke up to an Amazon email notifying me a friend had bought it for me. On her own, without me begging, heck without it even being on my TBR. Don't let the haters tell you otherwise. Goodreads is home to some amazing humans.
Thank you again Book Fairy!!!! I was supposed to be finishing God-Shaped Hole today, but I think I'm going to bump "Porny Saturday" up a day instead ; )...more
If you would have told me when I first started this that I would end up giving it 4 StarsFind all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/
If you would have told me when I first started this that I would end up giving it 4 Stars, I would have assumed your mother had dropped you on your head multiple times when you were a small child. Mainly because the leading male and narrator Drew????
You learn right away that Drew’s heart has been broken by Katherine. Then he rewinds things to the beginning of the story where you learn that Katherine is a new associate at his company that “buys up other ones and sells them off piece by piece” – which EVERY romantic will tell you should immediately conjure images of . . . . .
Save your pearl clutching and “offended by everything” commentary for yo momma because I don’t want to hear it. Think Drew is a manbearpig? You’re right. Guess what? I give zero of the effs. This book was freaking delightful and (eventually) so was Drew. It takes a lot to break the fourth wall successfully, but when it happens????
It’s great. Emma Chase did a bang up job of it here. It was also refreshing to have a strong female lead instead of some Mary Sue. (And probably the best idea possible to have her narrate NONE of the story so I didn’t end up wanting to punch her right in the babymaker for having a dipshit as an internal voice.)
I ended up with Tangled when I went to the porny library site looking for Royally Screwed - which I wanted to read so I could imagine what it would be like to make all of the sexuals with a certain ginger . . . .
Only the porny librarian failed and didn’t have a copy of that one available for me to perv out on. However, since I’m an easy sell when it comes to free porn, when this popped up as the “maybe you’ll like this instead???” option I totally clicked YES PLEASE instantly. Really, the only complaint I have is that what started as super hot and kind of snort-laugh-inducing smexytimes like this . . . .
Good golly, Miss Molly, I am seriously behind in reviewing. I read this sucker nearly a mFind all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/
Good golly, Miss Molly, I am seriously behind in reviewing. I read this sucker nearly a month ago. When I went to check what kind of notes I had left for myself regarding this one I found the following:
“Finn is so perfect he’ll make your crotch catch on fire.”
The eloquence. It just pours right out of me, don’t it?
As you can see from both the placeholder “review” as well as the comments below, The Hot Shot ended up being a surprise little bonus from the porny librarian even though it wasn’t available in Kindle format. I originally thought I’d finally force my company into fixing the glitch which is the status of my employment by reading it on my computer monitor during my lunch hour . . . . .
And I could, in fact, read pornographic ePubs using Overdrive on the Kindle and keep my dirty little secret away from the prying eyes of Big Brother. The only downsides to this feature were the tiny font which made me all up on the screen like a real perv due to old lady eyeballs that don’t see so great and no highlighting available. To make matters worse, although I attempted a game of beat the clock, this sucker disappeared before I had a chance to double-check my bookmarked pages. Long story long, you’re going to have to take my word (*cough expert opinion cough*) on this one.
The story here is about a photographer named Chess(ter) Copper(pot) . . . . .
It’s impossible to deny Finn is quite the male specimen – however, Chess is nothing but a professional and even though her ladygarden is hinting it could use some watering from the ginormous gardenhose Finn is hauling around in his jockstrap, the two wrap up the photo shoot and part ways. But there wouldn’t be a story if it ended there, so of course they run into each other like 47 seconds later at a bar while Chess is on a date with no potential and Finn is channeling his inner Kylie Minogue by whining to his homedog about how he can’t get Chess out of his head . . . .
The only problem? Finn is kind of damaged goods and is not interested in a relationship. Good news is, he’s not interested in a wham bam thanky mam with Chess either so he proposes the two become friends – which they do. When Chess finds herself homeless due to a . . . . .
It was a veritable Seussical romp with these two. They could do it in a bed, but first she might just give him head. They could do it against the wall, and even in the SHOWER STALL. Hygiene is of the most importance, yo.
If you’re like me, you have failed at reading romance after romance complaining about how . . . .
The Hot Shot might be a winner for you. While there is some angst, it’s not crybaby bullshit and best of all WHEN THESE TWO HAVE A PROBLEM THEY TALK ABOUT IT. Like immediately. They don’t run away from things or make a mountain out of a molehill. It was so refreshing. Although the first book in this series wasn’t a big winner for me (because stupid female lead and drama llama), I’m so glad I gave it another shot. If the porny librarian can provide me a hook up, I’ll probably even read another : )
ORIGINAL “REVIEW”:
I just discovered that when a book is only available as an "ePub" (meaning not Kindle friendly) from the library's Overdrive site, there's an option to read it directly on your computer. Today is probably the day I will officially be fired from my job . . . . .
A few weeks ago I read a porno scientific journal about a doctor with a manbun. That imagFind all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/
A few weeks ago I read a porno scientific journal about a doctor with a manbun. That imagery didn’t work out so well for me, but since my brain is a disgusting pervert it simply ignored those references and thought splooshy things about Dr. McSteamy instead. But the pervert inside my skull kept nagging me with the question of just what profession (other than rock god, natch) would longhair be splooshtastic. Then I remembered this series about farmers and this cover and oh my word . . . .
And this is the part where authors should never worry about how I’ve rated their previous books. After finishing this second book I pulled up my review for the first where I left a clear reminder to myself to not read any more of these. Good try, brain! Too bad I’m a fucking idiot and forgot. I actually really dug this one until the second half when tropes got tropey and my ladygarden dried out – but I’ll get to that in a minute.
The premise of Cream of the Crop is that Manhattanite Natalie spends every Saturday morning perusing the offerings at the farmer’s market with her final stop being Oscar’s booth where she purchases . . . .
“Cheese. Cheeeeeese. What a thin, flat, nasal-sounding word for such a luscious, rich, gorgeous thing. Hard. Soft. Ripe. Grainy. Creamy. Often stinky. I’d yet to find a cheese I didn’t adore.”
Just reading the above had my gastrointestinal system reminding me that I could never be a cheese connoisseur . . . .
Yep, ol’ Nat is a tried and true husky gal . . . .
“Size-eighteen women were supposed to be timid. Size-eighteen women were supposed to be grateful for any male attention, and to feel especially honored if a good-looking man paid attention to them. Fuck all that noise.”
Now, please note that I could really give a shit whether the broads in my porn are fat or thin or anything in between. 99.999999% of the time, I’m reading for the peen. Thanks to Natalie’s description of the dairy farmer . . . .
“I’d dated bad boys, and I’d fucked my share. But this guy was like . . . hmm. Cross a bad boy with a supermodel, add a dash of linebacker with a big scoop of Polynesian love.”
Along with a public service announcement type of commercial that plays incessantly . . . .
I got to announce just how gross I am and twisted that sweet daddy/daughter moment into my porntastic fantasy while I pictured Roman Reigns as Oscar Mendoza . . . .
Things were going swimmingly with a female lead bursting with (almost too much) self-confidence and a sexy farmer who had me chuckling as he learned just how important a comma is when Natalie couldn’t quite figure out if he was trying to tell her about her “great big ass” or her “GREAT, big ass.”
The first meet/cute between Natalie and Oscar where she went all West Side Story thinking that it “could be, who knows????” had me grinning from ear to ear . . . .
And Natalie’s internal playlist had me channeling my inner Pixie with reference to “Here Comes Your Man.” Unfortunately the never ending song stylings got old real quick . . . .
Then we got introduced to Oscar’s super passive aggressive ex-wife and he became a fucking moron with zero clue about what is normal/not normal regarding how couples should behave after they get divorced and Natalie did a 180 and became all broken and pathetic because of some fat-shamey type of boyfriend she had way back in the dizzle and my lady boner wilted and I got a little ragey.
This one will probably work better for nearly everyone else than it did for me. If you aren’t one who falls victim to endless eyerolls due to the stupidity in the paragraph above, you’ll do just fine. You’ll even get a good ol’ fashioned It’s a Wonderful Life type of wrap-up if you stick around . . . . .
After reading Hate F*@k at the end of the week (in front of a bunch of little leaguers’ parents even because I am the epitome of class), I definitely had a . . . . taste for something and . . . .
However, I try to only let myself fall completely down the porny rabbit hole a couple of times a year and decided I would read one of my million library books instead. When I got word that the kid would be playing at O Dark Thirty (and in B.F.E. to boot) on Sunday morning I gave myself a reprieve from freezing my ass off for the third day in a row and decided to celebrate my newly acquired alone time by watching a movie. And what should just so happen to be on at 6:00 a.m. on the holy day? Magic Mike XXL! I was like “we’ve got a lot of starving faithful – that looks tasty – that looks plenty – this is hungry work – TAKE ME TO CHURCH!!!”
The story here is of Bentley and Margot. Back in high school the two were besties for the resties. She pined for him, he . . . well, he kinda banged the whole cheerleading squad. Then something [superbad – not sure how much of this would be a spoiler so we’ll just leave it as is] happened – leading to another superbad and you know how these books go – the two never bothered to talk anything out and all the feelings remained hurt and yada yada. Fastforward to the present where we’ve just wrapped up The Bachelor Auction that left Bentley sold to an old granny. Turns out the granny was actually working as a double-agent with the end goal of getting Bentley and Margot back together again. Things being convoluted as they are in the land of romance, there’s also a sidestory about a job promotion should Bentley complete his task which of course will eventually lead to more confusion and hurt feelings and additional yada yada. Buuuuuuuuuuuut, there is smexytimes stuff around the halfway point and that’s really all we’re here for anyway, amiright or amiright?????
If you’re interested in an angsty romance (and one with pretty legit angst, not just bullshit that makes you eyeroll), this might be a winner. I have confessed my girl crush on Rachel Van Dyken a time or twelve before, so it should be pretty obvious by now that I’ll read pretty much anything she writes – even if they don’t always work for me. I was surprised that I actually enjoyed this one more than the first in the series because I usually start screaming “JUST FUCKING TALK ALREADY” at my Kindle when there’s too much drama llama. The only minor complaints I have are as follows:
She was a hot redhead because OF COURSE SHE FUCKING WAS . . . .
Enough with the hot redheads. They are as hard to come by as a Unicorn Frappucino.
The other gripe? In The Bachelor Auction Bentley was described as . . . .
“He was about an inch shorter than Brock, but had the same perfect auburn hair.”
In this book we’re told that . . . .
“Shots of caramel mixed in with the nearly black tresses.”
Uhhhhhhhh??????
But once again, didn’t really matter to me because Magic Mike XXL viewing and any description that makes me think of Matt Boner . . . errrr Bomer . . . . is a good description . . . .
I’ve wanted to read this sucker ever since the first time I saw it due to the super classy title and the fact that the fellar on the cover reminded me a bit of . . . .
However, I am fully aware of my limitations and knowing it was being released as a SERIAL (a/k/a the only thing more irritating to me than a series) was enough to keep me away. When another pervert who shall remain nameless *cough Shelby cough* informed me this was available for FREEEEEEEEEEEEE (go get you some RIGHT HERE) and it was the entire first book – not the first of the three part serial – I one-clicked that sumbitch as fast as my fat little fingers would let me. Then I went to my youngest’s baseball tournament and had multiple parents ask what I was reading. Good times.
The story here is of Cole and Hailey. Hailey is a silver-spoon type with a heart of gold from a family who has a hard time steering clear of scandal. Cole is a “fixer” of situations like those Hailey’s family is prone to getting involved with. Part security guard, part private investigator, part criminal – Cole and the other members of The Horus Group do whatever it takes to clean up messes. That knowledge has made Hailey keep her guard up, despite Cole’s animal magnetism. Normally that would be the best case scenario for Cole, but Hailey’s been crawling under his skin . . . .
“When I say you’re a distraction, I mean I can’t get you out of my fucking head. I wonder what the inside of your mouth tastes like and if you’d pull my hair when I go down on you.”
Imagine my surprise when there was a bit of plot thrown in for good measure. What starts as a simple TMZ type of story quickly morphs into a potential crime ring between a couple of squicky bad guys . . . . .
I also always figure I’ll hate the female lead never expected to get so many grins out of a story with a title like this, but Hailey’s internal voice was pretty freaking funny. No “inner goddess” here, she thought normal, self-deprecating things like . . . .
“I think about taking off the skirt, but it’s better that Cole not see the full extent of my thighs until after we’ve had sex. Plus I’m cute. You’re cute, I mouth at myself in the mirror. The chubby chick stares back, not quite believing me. You give Cole Parker a hard-on.”
And while there were some things that never jive with me like being so caught up in the moment a condom isn’t used without even taking 10 seconds to make sure no babies or STDs will be happening as well as some talk about being “slippery now, sloppy even” which is seriously . . . . .
I really couldn’t expect that NOT to happen in a book with a title such as this.
Additional props to the endless epilogues that didn’t waste too much of my time talking about the sappily ever after mumbo-jumbo, but instead talked more about how to . . . . .
I haven’t read a lot of M/M – mainly because the porny librarian must be the straightest Find all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/
I haven’t read a lot of M/M – mainly because the porny librarian must be the straightest straight that ever straighted and doesn’t have a lot of them up for request. Hot Headwas always available for request, but I avoided it so I wouldn’t get drawn and quartered in the town square if I ended up disagreeing with all of my GR friends. But guess what??????
The story here is about Dante and Griffin, two firemen in Red Hook post 9/11. The two have been friends for as long as they can remember and Griff was practically adopted by Dante’s family when his mother passed away and his emotionally unavailble father became even more distant. Since Griffin’s wife divorced him, he’s noticed his feelings for Dante haven’t been quite as brotherly as they used to be. When Dante finds himself in a jam and in need of some quick cash before he loses his house he signs up on the local porn site “Hot Heads” where he will be paid to pull the pud or burp the worm or pump the stump or spank his crank or whatever wordsmithery is of your choosing. Dante discovers he can make even more money if he brings a friend to the shoot. Between Griff’s loyalty to his friend and his own curiosity regarding his feelings, he agrees to uhhhhh lend a hand *wink*. And then?????? This girl was on fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrreeeeeee . . . . .
Then I was told Griffin was a giant ginger and being the mother of white-trashy types of male humans I could only imagine Sheamus from WWE fame. I guess it could have been worse . . . .
Ha! I keed. It’s actually Val. If you want a smutastically funny reviewer to follow or friend, she’s a winner. She’s also the person who put this (what appears to be final) selection of the Scarred Souls series on my radar so blame her for this garbage review wasting all your data.
However, I ended up reading it sober. Maybe that’s why it wasn’t hit right out of the ol’ ballpark for me. Or maybe I just channeled my former non-porn reading self . . . .
Before anybody goes all apeshit and tells me I read this wrong, allow me to state for the record that I have read two others in this series and even though the first didn’t really work for me much at all, the other I liked berry berry much. I will totally own up to the fact that a lot of the problems I had with Riot were mine and not the book's. But let’s start with the positives.
The covers. This whole series is nothing but #sploosh when it comes to the fronts.
I love this world hardcore. It’s oh so very Thunderdomey and I get all moist excited just thinking about all these sweaty Russkies fighting to the death . . . .
This one also had a plot. It made for less of the sexuals, but it tied everything together quite well. The story here was about 901 and 152. If you’ve read this series before, you’ll know that the characters are prisoners of an evil “Master” and known only by assigned numbers. 901 is the best fighter in the Blood Pit, 152 is the Master’s number one whore. In an attempt to break 901’s spirit and make him obedient, the Master gifts him with 152 so he will develop all the feels and have something he’s afraid of losing. (There’s also stuff with the former featured players from the previous books in the series, but I don’t do the spoilsies.)
So there you have it. Now let’s talk about how I read this wrong because it’s far more entertaining than when I read things right.
First, 152’s official job title was called the “mona” – which my mind constantly replaced with . . . .
Which was hilarious, but I’m fairly certain that wasn’t really the reaction Tillie Cole was going for.
Third, although 901 was clearly described as a blonde, as soon as a leading male is said to be a giant who is twice as broad as the average petite leading lady I want to cast him as either Jason Momoa or . . . .
Also, the only giant blonde in my pornographic repertoire is Vampire Eric and he's currently doing bad bad things to Nicole Kidman on Big Little Lies and I probably shouldn't want to make the sexies with him so much anymore (but I totally still do anyway because me = zero shame).
And then there was the sexytimes. Why did the term “channel” get brought back in to play?????? Channel does not conjure good imagery. At all . . . .
(^^^^^Makes you want to run to Sonic, don’t it Ron?)
Anway, this ended up being just okay for me. If I would have gone with my gut instinct and read it while loaded it probably would have been 5 Stars and my husband would be a much happier camper too. At least he scored some jambalaya out of the deal for Mardi Gras weekend . . . .
There’s simply nothing good to say about this whore of a book.
I decided to take a break from Mystic River being that it was Valentine’s Day and maybe a selection that makes a person want to stick their head in the oven wasn’t the best choice if my husband was looking to score. I had downloaded this one a week or so ago when it popped up as a “Recommended To You” option on the porny library’s website. Oh porny librarian, I have some serious disappoint. I can’t believe you won’t order my oft requested stepbrother porns but you spent my hard-earned tax dollars on what I have now discovered started off as yet anotherTwilight fan fic.
Basically the “story” – and believe me that is a S.T.R.E.T.C.H. because this sumbitch has zero plot is that Chloe is Bennett’s assistant. You get zero, zilch, nada of any type of character building or storyline before these two start banging on like page two. You only know they hate each other. Uhhhhhhhhh. I hate one of my bosses and I sure don’t let him see my underwears to prove how much. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, now that I think about it, those granny drawers might traumatize him pretty good. Also, in case it hasn’t become clear over the past year I’m no longer a prude and have seriously enjoyed the secretary and bossman storyline before . . . .
However, as much of a buzzkill it may be, a plot is a requirement for me when dealing with a flown blown novel (and a series at that – JEEBUS!). You want to publish an Alexa Riley-ish 30 page bangfest? Cool. But not 320 pages of it. Even Dr. Seuss could put forth a better effort than this . . . .
Apparently this is “Romance Week” on Goodreads, but since I was a victim of the Bowling GFind all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/
Apparently this is “Romance Week” on Goodreads, but since I was a victim of the Bowling Green Massacre Great Kindle Tragedy of 2017 (and also still addicted to the damn library challenge I already completed) I’m behind on my game. Sh3lly was kind enough to put this one on my radar last month and once I saw it was the next in the series that contained Burn Down the Night I was like . . . .
For those of you who know me, you know I don’t enjoy books in a series . . . . EXCEPT (pay attention, Ron) when the “series” is porn one like this where each novel works as a standalone and the only thing that makes them cohesive is a character might know another. The reason I have never read the first two books in this series is because it appears they are one continual storyline, and momma only got time for a few hunnit pages about any particular couple when it comes to her smut.
When I saw this was about a single mother of three, I was – well . . . . .
I have my own children and I like them most of the time just fine, but I pretty much despise everyone else’s and don’t want to waste my ladyboner reading about dirty diapers and snotty noses. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut since 5 Stars from me is like a Yeti sighting and I had given the previous book the fully monty I was willing to roll the dice. Boy am I glad I did! No disappointment here . . . or not much.
Wait For It was about Tiffany, the aforementioned single mother of three. She married a real douchenozzle who knocked her around the local trailer park until she finally decided she had enough. She goes to her buddy for help (who appears to be the focus of Books 1 and 2) only to find herself crashing a Christmas party and confronted by the ex’s brother Blake. Thinking Tiffany is some white-trash gold-digger who might be presenting illegitimate bastard children off as his brother’s, Blake makes Tiffany a deal she can’t refuse - $10,000 to disappear before his mother sees what the cat dragged in. Tiffany isn’t willing to sell her soul to the devil for cheap, however, and tells him to make it $20G instead. Fast forward a year and the two crossing paths again. Blake sees Tiffany in a true light this go around – a hardworking mom willing to sacrifice anything to make a safe home for her children. But Blake has his own demons too and spends most of his time making sure Tiffany knows . . . .
Unwilling to admit he might be developing feelings for his ex-sister-in-law, instead he offers her much needed cash to go to dinner with him. Not for sex, just dinner which caused a very strong reaction of . . . .
Luckily Tiffany’s sister was there to point out . . . .
“You think I should feel like a whore?”
“You’re kind of living the definition, Tiff.”
And that’s why I love this series. I realize the plot was completely far-fetched, but the dialogue and the emotions rang so true. I also love O'Keefe's female leads. They are broken characters for sure, and this story could have easily went in a “50 Shades” direction where the magic penis was there to fix everything while creating yet another controlling sort of situation, but it didn't . . . .
It took a looooooooooooooooooooooong time for these two to do the bibbity dibbity, but when they did that bitch took charge and oh my lort was it good. Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuud . . . . .
See that cover? That thing made me science all over my underwears before release date eveFind all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/
See that cover? That thing made me science all over my underwears before release date even came around. Thanks to the ever so delightful Courtney (whose review brought this to my porndar to begin with), I was bequeathed a copy of The Room Mate upon arriving at work yesterday. I was totally ready to pull out the big guns in order to guarantee some sneaky-reading too . . . . .
But things were slow so I managed to get an actual lunch hour and hiding in the toilet stall wasn’t necessary.
The story here is that Paige’s bestie’s younger brother needs a place to stay for a couple of months before he starts his residency. Paige reluctantly gives in only to discover Cannon (stupid name is stupid) isn’t the same nerd she remembered from high school.
Allow me a second to say between the cover and the description of Cannon being six plus feet tall with messy, sandy-colored hair “cropped neatly on the sides, but long enough on top” with a bonus five o’clock shadow and you have a Kelly who was seriously channeling her inner Leslie Jones when it came to this book . . . .
Where was I? Oh yeah, Cannon needs a place to stay and Paige has an extra room. Due to a combination of his schedule and a track record with Stage Five Clingers, Cannon is just trying to get through his final couple of months in town. But he can’t deny he’s always had a thing for Paige and, well, Paige has a pretty itchy scratch she’d like to take care of herself. However, rules are rules and your BFF’s little brother should remain off limits. That is, until Paige accidentally runs into Cannon when he’s coming out of the shower – and then catches him rubbing one out and she’s all like . . . .
If you are looking for a trope that never gets tired without a lot of angst and with a bunch of quality sexuals, this is a winner. This is also the reason I never say never when it comes to porno authors. I literally just (like two days ago) 2 Starred a book by Kendall Ryan and seriously debated about whether or not this was worthy of all 5 Porny Stars. (For those curious, it didn’t get the full monty because Cannon mentioned all of his “8 inches” a time too many and that just didn’t seem like something to write home to yo momma about.) Despite his weird obsession of his not-really-that-giant wang, I still wanted to do bad things to him . . . .
I rolled the dice on Hard To Love after immediately running to the porny library’s websitFind all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/
I rolled the dice on Hard To Love after immediately running to the porny library’s website in search of The Room Mate after reading Courtney’s review, only to discover that selection not available (don’t start slipping, Porny Librarian, you don’t want me to go into withdrawals for lack of porn). I’d never heard of Kendall Ryan before, but boy she puts covers on her stuff that really makes you want to sploosh your drawers read them stat . . . . .
I also thought it would be fairly awesome to add this to my list for the Winter Reading Challenge of "Read to Reel." Even though this wasn't a book that was turned into a move, it was a book about a dude who starred in a movie and, well . . . . .
Anywho, the synopsis of this one seemed good enough to give it a whirl: Cade was granted custody of his kid sister after his grandparents died. Due to said sister’s medical bills, Cade needs to make a lot of money quick and decides to take on a movie roll where he will play a uhhhhhhhhh scientist. Unfortunately a case of stage fright makes his bunsen burner fail and some help from a little blue pill is needed in order to get on with the show which leads to a case of . . . .
And a trip to the local ER in order to tame that trouser snake. That’s where Cade meets nursing student Alexa.
That’s also pretty much where the problems started for me. To begin with, my brain isn’t always my ally and sometimes chooses to picture someone that just doesn’t work for me in the panty-melting department. When I read the good guy from the wrong side of the tracks/construction worker by day/potential porn star by night who falls for the privileged white girl my brain decided we’d seen that movie a time or twelve before and that Cade would be . . . .
Okay, not really but she was pretty turrrrrible. Not since Anastasia Steele have I read such an annoying inner voice. Not only did the bitch faint pert near every time she was touched, but if I took a drink at each mention of how he made her “whimper” I’d be dead right now . . . .
Where was I? Oh yeah, getting my stomach pumped so I didn’t succumb to alcohol poisoning.
Because of the not-sexy casting choices and swoony leading lady I already wasn’t really feeling things. It didn’t help matters that Cade was a not-so-great dirty talker and I kept laughing thinking of this . . . .
Hard To Love will probably work for a bigly many of you so please don’t let this review discourage you. The meet cute was awesome and the lack of angst a pleasant change compared to many books in this genre, but it ended up “meh” for me. Someone needs to give me a hook up for that damn roommate book, though, because . . . . .
On Wednesday night it snowed a couple of inches and even though I live in flyover countryFind all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/
On Wednesday night it snowed a couple of inches and even though I live in flyover country where this is a regular occurrence, for some reason the powers that be decided not to put the plows on the road and school ended up cancelled. Since I’m deserving of employee of the year I had just rolled over an entire week of vacay and decided to say fuck it to my commute and stay home with my little chitlins and pretty much look like this . . . .
I put myself on the waiting list for Bossman after seeing Val’s review back in November. Well, to be completely honest I put myself on the wait list for the cover alone, but that makes me sound like a total whore and I’m only kinda a whore so we’ll go with Val’s review as the reason instead.
Anyway, this one was just alright for me, but PLEASE DON’T TAKE IT OFF YOUR TO READ JUST BECAUSE I’M A JERKWAD. This story had some things that didn’t work for me. But first, let’s talk about the good stuff.
#1. Normal names – Reece and Chase. Kudos to you, Vi Keeland, for not trying to win the most ridiculous names ever named award.
#2. The cat. What can I say, I’m a sucker for cats. Especially ones like this . . . .
#3. I often gripe that I want to cast the male lead in my own head without suggestions from the author, but since it’s a woman’s right to change her mind let me say the exception is when Josh Duhamel is the choice. 99.99999999% of the time when I read about a 6 foot something dude with “stylishly messy” brown hair I’m already thinking of Duhamel. And when the author is kind enough to have the leading lady say she was fantasizing about said leading male chopping down trees in order to build a fire at his cabin in the woods I say praise Jeebus . . . .
#4. Slow rolling just enough. The duo didn't make the beast with two backs until about the halfway mark and that was awesome because instalove only works for me some of the time and it wouldn’t have in this story.
#5. To go along with #2, the build up and flirtation was on point. I didn’t mind the fact that Reese was hired to work for Chase’s company since he wasn’t her direct boss and the cat and mouse moments were a lot of fun . . . .
“You’re going to kick ass in the interview and get hired, then I’m going to try to get in your pants, and you’re not going to let me.”
#6. When she finally did let him . . . .
“I’ll be right back.” He disappeared for a moment and then returned with his wallet, pulling out a strip of condoms and tossing them on the nightstand. I eyed them. “Big plans?” He started to undress. “You have no fucking idea.”
#3. Chase becoming a dirty talker. Like filthy dirty talker. He was kind of a Sensitive Sally so talking about “fillin’ her up” and “owning her ass” made me all . . . .
#4. This is petty, but since I live here I’m allowed to get annoyed. Dear Authors, if you are going to reference a city take 17 seconds and Google the fucking city. I realize it’s flyover land, but the airport is in Missouri, NOT Kansas and the idea of “dropping by” a Wizard of Oz museum (which, why the fuck would anyone in their right mind ever want to do that to begin with) that even I had to look up only to discover is TWO HOURS the other direction of the goddamn airport is irritating. Seriously . . . . .
Obviously all of my gripes might not even fall on your radar. As for me? I’ll just add this to my list of excuses of ways to avoid nocturnal shenanigans . . . .
“He said I wrecked him, but he completely destroyed me.”
For those of you who live on Mars (or in a bubble), last week was kind of a not-so-great week to be ‘Murican. No matter whether you sided with the donkeys or the elephants – if you are a person like me who enjoysed spending free time on social media you know it all went to hell and pert near errrryone decided to show their assholes. In an attempt to escape reality, I decided to nomnom on this little piece of pornography literature I picked up months ago when my buddy Casey told me it was free . . . .
Crow has a 4.0 average amongst my friends so per usual it seems I read this wrong. Please note I didn’t read it wrong wrong, however. Just sorta wrong. Also note that (as last week clearly taught me) everyone likes a shit show so allow me to tell you what made me not enjoy this one so much rather than what I did like.
Lord love a duck but Mo had it right that the Irish accent was just plain turrrrrrible. (The Boston accent was barely used at all, but note I truly appreciated the use of “skeezah” and had a lil’ bit of an LOL from it.)
#2. The female lead that can’t keep her eye on the prize . . .
Mack starts off tough as nails, kicking some ginormo Irishman’s ass in an effin’ cage match. Her M.O. is to find a missing friend who was last seen connected with a bar owned by the Irish mafia. About 2.7 seconds after meeting Irish Mafioso (or whatever the Irish equivalent for that job’s title is), Mack suffers from a case of magic penis and the missing friend becomes backstory.
Who in the fuck gets off on this virgin shit? Wait, I know the answer and get in your safe space if you’re not ready to hear it. DUDES. Dudebrahs prolly find the V Card subplot supah hot, but guess what? It’s horny old ladies like me reading these books for the most part so you can go ahead and stop. (Also, I’m pretty sure Alexa Riley copyrighted that trope so at this point she should be the only one allowed to do it.)
I enjoy reading a good alpha male who likes to take charge in the sack, and a bigwig in the mob probably isn’t going to be farting rainbows, but the conversations between Mack and Lach (and yes you can vomit over those names any time now) didn’t work for me. (Note to Mack – if you want to appear to be the alpha’s counterpart, you might want to tell him to go eff himself BEFORE he’s pummeling the crap out of your vajay.)
#5. The sexytimes themselves. This one is getting 3.5 because not only do I want Ronan’s story like SUPERBAD, but also because most of the sex was pretty splooshtastic and had me all . . . .
That being said, along with the virgin storyline and super sassy but not really sassy at all female lead, I’m not a big fan of reading about Bee Jays. Once per book is obligatory (even though the description of how “musky” a man smells makes me totally dry-heave Every.Single.Time.), but this chick was seriously into it and when gangsta is rocking a friggin’ tree trunk it’s kind of hard for me to picture anything other than something kinda like this . . . .
I can almost guarantee your mileage will vary with this one so please don’t remove it from your TBR and remember the kind of place I was coming from while reading/reviewing it . . . .
That would be Wyatt Hammer – the leading male. For being a construction worker with a mega schlong he sure was a whiny bitch a good portion of the time.
So the story was about construction company owner Wyatt and his assistant Natalie who get sent to Vegas for a uuuuuuuuge (™Donald Trump) job that will take the company to the next level. Buuuuuuut when the job falls through the two are left with a free evening and sorrows to drown. One thing leads to another, Wyatt and Natalie get hitched and when plans for a quickie annulment backfire the two are left to deal with their feelings for one another.
As I said before, this one was just aiiiiiiiight for me. There wasn’t a whole lotta plot, which would have been fine if the characters didn’t keep talking about how funny they were while not being funny at all. (Romantic comedy porns are my favorite porns, so I might have been judgier than most.) There was also the dreaded nickname issue to deal with and in this case: “Frisky Mittens” had me all . . . .
But quantity didn’t make up for quality when it came to this story . . . probably because it was told 100% from Wyatt’s perspective and the more I was in his head the less I wanted his head in me. Therefore, my panties remained a sploosh free environment . . . . .
Good news is, I am not yet prepared to give up on Lauren Blakely and due to my most awesome book fairy I’ll be reading more of her stuff in the near future. Because, ya know . . . .
Even when Quinn writes stuff that isn’t 100% my cuppa, she still does okay. I was lucky enough to grab the first two in the series from NetGalley, but this third and final story was not available. However, (1) since Quinn is a auto-yes for me already, (2) it was on pre-sale for $1.99 so even my poor ass could afford it, and (3) it was HOLLIS’ story I one-clicked the sumbitch quicker than a jackrabbit on a date. My husband can confirm his wake up call on yesterday's release date went a little something like this . . . . .
As I said before, this was the third and final in a series. Both of the previous books were enjoyable, but this was the one I had been waiting for. I am sooooooo happy to say it didn’t fail me. Hollis is the jokey perv of the Olympians – but with a heart of gold who is ready to settle down. When he sets his eye on Melony he knows she is the one. Unfortunately, Melony has some pretty serious abandonment issues so the feeling isn’t mutual. Luckily Hollis is persistent.
Y’all can have bearded Reece or broken Bodi. Hollis belongs to me. And you wanna know why? Because HE WAS MOTHEREFFIN’ PERFECTION!!!!! Not only was he a diver so you know he had that whole “V” thing girls splooge their pants over, but his over-the-top persona made me laugh so many times . . .
“And you’re the perfect fit for my giant dong.”
And there he is. That makes me laugh. “Oh my God, don’t say that.”
“What? It’s true. Your pussy ate my cock. That little lady was hungry.”
Please note this was a real slow burn due to Melony’s trust issues, but when things finally started heating up, they REALLY started heating up. The “self-pleasure” scene alone. Whoa . . . . . .
Copy paid for with my own dollars because I am a filthy whore and want to make all of the sex all of the time with Meghan Quinn’s books.
ORIGINAL "REVIEW":
I have sunk to a new low and have officially become Meghan Quinn's Facebook stalker. She's in the process of writing this book and her status updates are making me want to ride Hollis' pony. He is MY book boyfriend because I'm the first person who created a page here for his story. That's how dibs works so get over it. Snooze ya lose and all that.
She also posts completely appropriate and sciencey stuff like this . . . .
In case you didn’t see my status update yesterday, I was busted reading this by Find all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/
3.5 Stars
In case you didn’t see my status update yesterday, I was busted reading this by a senior partner in my law firm while trapped on a crowded elevator and him looking over my shoulder right as the female lead was getting all soaped up in the tub . . . .
Since I have zero shame or ability to tell even the tiniest of white lies (and since he clearly could already tell the answer), when asked what I was reading I told him the truth – DYSTOPIAN PORN!!!! And then I went and lodged a formal complaint about how his question made me uncomfortable and was probably sexual harassment of some nature. I keeeeeeed I keeeeeeed! I did tell him the truth about what I was reading, though, because seriously DYSTOPIAN PORN!!!!!!! I was totally hoping for . . . . .
And I’m still singing ♫♪We don’t need another heeeeeeero. We don’t need to know the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay hooooooooooome. All we want is life beyooooooooooooooond. Thunderdome. ♫♪ Oh Tina, you are a gift from the tiny 8 lb. 6 oz. Baby Jeebus.
Where was I???? Oh yeah, DYSTOPIAN PORN!!!!! Alright, so our story is about Hudson, a woman who used to reside within the confines of the City as part of a family of big muckity mucks and ran away from an arranged marriage with a super rapey nutcase. Hudson has training, both medical and combat, but she’s well aware that beyond the City walls is an every-man-for-himself type of wasteland. When she runs across Conner and his band of outlaws she takes a risk and asks if she can join up with them . . . and is met with a resounding nooooooooooooooooooooope because soon-to-be leading male Conner’s peen is a bit too interested. But Hudson is persistent . . . .
And eventually the dudes say okay – but only for a day or so. After a successful supply raid, they decide to whoop it up a bit and that’s where Hudson discovers things are really not like what they were in the city . . . . .
Once Hudson knew how on the outside sex wasn’t just for sluts and whores but that women could enjoy it and initiate it and whathaveyou, Conner was all . . .
“There’ll be ground rules if you stay” She’d expected that. “Like what?” “I call the shots.” He smirked at her. “And that rule extends to the bedroom. I decide how fast we go, what we do, where we do it, who joins us.” A wicked gleam sparked in his eyes. “I get total control.”
Now, of course there were some WTF moments. Like, have you ever moaned just from taking a gander at a penis????? Yeah, me either. Let’s be honest, they’re not super attractive. You know what does make me moan???? This . . . .
For the most part, this one was pretty solid. There was an actual plot, which isn’t always a guarantee when reading smut, and the smut was like OFF. THE. CHARTS. smutty. It was also refreshing to have a “honey blonde” as the leading lady. No offense to my ginger pals, but y’all know you are about as rare as unicorns so you shouldn’t be the star of every single damn dirty story. And also . . . .
I mean, COME ON. Gigi Hadid is wicked hot. It’s nice to be able to picture her for a change.
I don’t have a friend to tag on this one because it was the library’s recommendation software that brought it to my attention. Nice to know even random bots on the interwebs recognize that I’m a filthy whore. ...more
I have about a thousand gifs saved on my ‘puter that I need to get rid of, so y’Find all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/
3.5 Stars
I have about a thousand gifs saved on my ‘puter that I need to get rid of, so y’all better go put some money on your data plans or quit reading right now.
In case you aren’t aware, I snatch (hehehe) up every Meghan Quinn book I see. I’m also lucky enough to have an enabler a friend who sends me messages when her new stuff is available for request on NetGalley. My addiction is so great that I already had an unread Quinn book on my shelf, but still neeeeeeeeeeeded this one . . . .
When I started Stroked Long and thought I was going to hate it? Oh lort. I was scurred.
Everything went to shit immediately with the leading lady Ruby Hearts (I know – these names fucking kill me). The name wasn’t even the deal, though. See, our leading lady’s job is giving art classes to kids at the local Boys and Girls Club. Sounds awesome, right? Wrong . . . .
“I didn’t know it was actually a glorified babysitting job while parents got their job on in the cardio room.”
I don’t know what magical fairyland Meghan Quinn grew up in, but if you live in a major city you’ll know that is not how the Boys and Girls Club operates. But, it’s a porno so I could ignore it. Then we got to know Ruby a little more and it became very clear very quickly that . . . .
Take a gander at my friend list if you don’t believe that I have ZERO room in my life for the “manic pixie dream girl.” Not only was Ruby a quirky snowflake, but she was one who dressed like a Crayola box upchucked all over her in case anyone missed just how speshul she was.
And then we met Bodi . . . .
“He’s so handsome. He’s so broken. He’s so tempting.”
Okay, so Bodi suffered a superbadawful as a child that caused him to have some massive trust issues and mega OCD and an inability to break from his routine and yada yada yada. I’ve never known someone who experienced any sort of trauma like Bodi did (thank Jeebus) so I’m not sure if it would have the potential of turning them into Sheldon Cooper with abs, but again – PORNO so no offense. And really . . . .
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, I’m no quitter so I kept plugging away and eventually Ruby grew more tolerable and Bodi broke out of his shell and Meghan Quinn’s humor appeared and by the time Ruby got to see what was going on in Bodi’s pants . . . .
[image]
(^^^My husband’s reaction whenever I tell him about how hot books like these are.)
This is a time when I wish the half star option was available, because Stroked Long really earned that extra bump, but I didn’t love it enough to give it all 4. Also, because this review is on Goodreads (which is the land of superfans who shit their pants over books without even reading them), I don’t want to be accused of being a shill and rounding up because I know the author. Trust me, Meghan Quinn would probably have a restraining order against me by now if we were friends in real life. Mainly because the final in this series is Hollis’ book and I already had to change my pantyliner twice just thinking about it and I want it written immediately.
Kelly (and the Book Boar)
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