Humour Quotes
Quotes tagged as "humour"
Showing 1-30 of 7,686
![Douglas Adams](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1616277702i/4._UX200_CR0,15,200,200_.jpg)
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time
― The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time
![Douglas Adams](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1616277702i/4._UX200_CR0,15,200,200_.jpg)
“For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.”
― The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
― The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
![Suzanne Collins](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1630199330i/153394._UX200_CR0,33,200,200_.jpg)
“Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”
― Mockingjay
― Mockingjay
![Charles Bukowski](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1501509674i/13275._UY200_CR33,0,200,200_.jpg)
“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.”
―
―
![Ray Bradbury](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1445955959i/1630._UX200_CR0,33,200,200_.jpg)
“I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.”
― Zen in the Art of Writing: Releasing the Creative Genius Within You
― Zen in the Art of Writing: Releasing the Creative Genius Within You
![Suzanne Collins](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1630199330i/153394._UX200_CR0,33,200,200_.jpg)
“Finnick?" I say, "Maybe some pants?"
He looks down at his legs as if noticing his outfit for the first time. Then he whips off his hospital gown leaving him in just his underwear. "Why? Do you find this" -- he strikes a ridiculously provocative pose -- "distracting?"
I laugh. Boggs looks embarrassed and Finnick looks more like the guy I met at the Quarter Quell”
― Mockingjay
He looks down at his legs as if noticing his outfit for the first time. Then he whips off his hospital gown leaving him in just his underwear. "Why? Do you find this" -- he strikes a ridiculously provocative pose -- "distracting?"
I laugh. Boggs looks embarrassed and Finnick looks more like the guy I met at the Quarter Quell”
― Mockingjay
![Marjorie Pay Hinckley](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1250494999i/226482._UY200_CR53,0,200,200_.jpg)
“The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.”
―
―
![Rodney Dangerfield](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1208829061i/78470._UX200_CR0,34,200,200_.jpg)
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
―
―
![Douglas Adams](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1616277702i/4._UX200_CR0,15,200,200_.jpg)
“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.”
― The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
― The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
![John Green](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1353452301i/1406384._UX200_CR0,49,200,200_.jpg)
“Headline?" he asked.
"'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.”
― The Fault in Our Stars
"'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.”
― The Fault in Our Stars
“I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?”
― I Don't Remember You
― I Don't Remember You
![Johnny Depp](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1317565242i/88280._UX200_CR0,33,200,200_.jpg)
“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”
―
―
![J.K. Rowling](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1596216614i/1077326._UX200_CR0,15,200,200_.jpg)
“Hello, Harry" said George, beaming at him. "We thought we heard your dulcet tones."
"You don't want to bottle up your anger like that, Harry, let it all out," said Fred, also beaming. "There might be a couple of people fifty miles away who didn't hear you.”
― Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
"You don't want to bottle up your anger like that, Harry, let it all out," said Fred, also beaming. "There might be a couple of people fifty miles away who didn't hear you.”
― Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
![Cassandra Clare](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1689347318i/150038._UX200_CR0,33,200,200_.jpg)
“So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.'
'Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired.”
― Clockwork Angel
'Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired.”
― Clockwork Angel
![Rodney Dangerfield](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1208829061i/78470._UX200_CR0,34,200,200_.jpg)
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
―
―
![Oscar Wilde](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1673611182i/3565._UX200_CR0,15,200,200_.jpg)
“To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”
―
―
![Rick Riordan](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1679846356i/15872._UX200_CR0,0,200,200_.jpg)
“Like water leaking through a dam," said Piper.
"Yeah," smiled Percy. "We've got a dam hole."
"What?" Piper asked.
"Nothing," he said. "Inside joke.”
― The Mark of Athena
"Yeah," smiled Percy. "We've got a dam hole."
"What?" Piper asked.
"Nothing," he said. "Inside joke.”
― The Mark of Athena
![Bill Hicks](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1219620756i/144990._CR0,40,200,200_.jpg)
“Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.”
―
―
![Terry Pratchett](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1235562205i/1654._UX200_CR0,38,200,200_.jpg)
“It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?”
― Mort
― Mort
![Douglas Adams](https://cdn.statically.io/img/i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/authors/1616277702i/4._UX200_CR0,15,200,200_.jpg)
“It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.”
― The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
― The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
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